2001-05-22 - 23:01 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Roil And Boil

First -- apologies to all who started following the "Kaycee" production, because of my words. I intended no hurt to any one, ever.

So, how do I look at it now ? Of course I am hurt, a bit angry -- but not ashamed.

I feel whoever are the perpetrators of this whole mess, are the ones who will have to answer in the end to the Supreme Being.

Regardless of how well meaning (if so) it was, -- y'all are right -- we were lied to.

How each one of us reacts is our choice. And how I reacted was mine, even though mistaken.

I care not about the criticisms of style and the comments on sickeningly sweet stuff yadda, yadda on the content -- it was the choice of those who wrote those comments -- and their right. I can understand and sympathize with the anger of those who had lost friends and relatives to cancer of some form who had all been as courageous as Kaycee was purported to be.

I do not appreciate being taken in by falsehood myself. It caused me to wonder how I would prove that I am me -- that I am real not some figment of a misguided writers imagination. Although for the life of me I couldn't imagine who would ever want to.

One thing that does bother me is the lynch mob feeling I sense in some people.

I will not publish my name and address, drivers license number and social security number to prove who I am any more than most of the rest of you will. Being an eighty year old man and crippled at that, I do not wish to be harassed or stalked because of my opinions. But for all of that I am real, and as honest as I can be in expressing my opinions even though some are misguided.

I myself do not wish to pursue some one and hang them on the thief's cross as some yet angry folks seem to feel should be done. I can also understand the disservice done to all of us who write a diary or journal, blog or whatever, making us a bit unbelievable to the reading world.

As to the money bit, I have my doubts that any significant sums entered that system -- but if so I do hope that proper steps are taken.

I also thank those who investigated and brought this to light, it was their effort, time and sleuthing that caused the pot to boil over.

I also apologize for my expressed opinions of the day when I read the opinions expressed in Headspace. Later bwg's confession that the whole "Kaycee" thing was untrue, that I might have caused someone to feel hurt or angered.

How shall I live from here on ? I will be as honest as I can be, rant at my pleasure about what I perceive to be injustices and explore my past and my character as I have been doing. Regardless of the "mess" I will restate my feelings now once again, from reading about ten months of "Kaycee" I was inspired to rise above myself, to change my mind about some things and return to my faith. In the past as a kid, a young man and old man I have been deeply moved by works of fiction and enraptured by good poetry - - - - so why should I personally take a jaundiced attitude and seek revenge and become cynical and suspicious of every diary, blog or journal's writer --- I see no reason why I should disown my friends -- those who gathered around and listened to my guff and encouraged me. By the way, some of those friends of mine disagree with me about this, but in their civilized way they listened to my opinions and voiced theirs. I think those people are still my friends, at least I hope so. I shall continue to move forward without the past being a dragging anchor behind me. I will not engage in debate after this entry, nor will I discuss anything to do with this "whole mess." I will take what I learned, even though from a ficticious author, and try to live a better life from here on and see if I can pay back to the world what has been given to me through the years.

For my part I do not wish to see this thing continue to Roil And Boil . . . . .

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