2000-03-06 - 00:49:30

A bitter and better day. Heather went to church for the

dedication of our latest great great grandson. His

mother, my oldest son's daughter was the baby of our

grandchildren until the latest made the scene in Eugene,

Oregon somewhere around six years ago.

I couldn't go. My good old back chose the last few days

to go on strike and it would keep reminding me, uh uh uh

uh no, no, no don't do that or I will hurt you

ferociously. About four of five steps and then a hitch, a

cringe and a wait until further movement can be made.

No pity party ma'am just the facts - - - periodically this

happens. Can't think of what brought it on this time,

maybe I slept crooked ?

So much for that. I am not looking for my inner child,

I knew him too well while I was attempting to grow up. I

am still trying to find the me that I am. No angst, just

looking to see if I became the man I wanted.

So today I scanned the mirror intensively, and took a

look at that old dude. His hair line is headed toward

his shoulder blades, his wrinkles are getting deeper,

his beard and mustache have declared independence from his

face. His posture isn't what you call reasonable, bent

to one side and also forward. The tremor in the hands

shows that fine motor control is not that good.

O.K. that is the me that we both can see. The me that I

am is a little complex. I have earned a living, raised

children with the main action of my heather. The

grandchildren came along and the great great started

arriving.......so much for the population of the family.

Now what else ? I cry when deeply moved, I worry (as

little as possible) I love people of all ages and like to

visit and communicate. I still in the wishful mode of

wanting to be at work again - - - I know that, the

younger workers where I was when I retired were ready to

assassinate me as it was seems as if a 69 year old man was

messing up their senority. Humor and laughter are not the

most important thing in my life but they play a huge part.

When things look the gloomiest I come up with some smart

ass remark to lighten the mood - - any way mine.

Sometimes things get so ridiculously terrible that its

silliness drives me into uproariously laughter. Then I

can go from there. My dearest wife Heather is probably

the main half of me - - - without her, I am not sure how

I could cope, but I know a way will come if need be. We

have not lost a child, thank God - - - - - that would be

about the hardest thing for either of us to bear, yunno,

the kids are supposed to outlive you. Reading has always

been this only child's companion almost forever. I like

to read Jonathon Kellerman and his wife Faye Kellerman,

Tony Hiller with his tales of the four corners area which

I am almost positive he has researched deeply. "Cave of

the Clan Bear" and the books after by, I think Jane Auel.

When I read Tolkein's trilogy in the sixties - I was

working away from my town and family - and Tolkein peopled

my world almost to the exclusion of reality. When I get

deep into a book I am there until the "bell" rings and it

is time to change classes, as it were. Things beautiful

have been glories in my life, from the ancient statuary,

buildings up to now. Nature itself puts on its show and

it seems like it is for me, when the buds burst and the

early flowers come up it is one of the most glorious

things in the world. That glory can only be topped by my

Heather, my children, grand children, and great great

grand children - because they are the blooming garden for

God's especial creation - put in our care for a time.

Tomorrow, or later today in the A.M. I will read

this over and try to peer into myself.

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