26 September, 2001 - 22:37 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

Weltschmerz

I might be half a doctor when I grow up, somewhat similar to some who are now practising. I can usually tell what is wrong -- diagnosis, but fail miserably on prognosis and treatment.

So, I take refuge in words, words, words. I, at the moment, have anhedonia -- sometimes a symptom of schizophrenia -- it is a lack of pleasure in doing things that are enjoyable to that person in his/her stable state.

I think many of us the last week or so have the same feelings, or, lack of them. It all seems so meaningless and futile. Until I begin beating my buns and saying, "Wake up dummy, there are things to do."

I think the danger for me now is sinking into a state of inertia which is the place an object or person not in movement tends to just stay in the same place, resisting a force until finally moved.

I can now spend my available time at the useless activity of picking nits, or I can try to get behind the effort to go ahead and truly forge ahead in a positive direction.

Otherwise, I will have done to myself what the terrorists wanted to accomplish. And, damned if I want to do that to me, or the rest of us.

It is hard, almost an impossibility, to help in any meaningful way other than to contribute, which I have. Picture this old dude with a bad back, an iffy ticker, trailing an oxygen hose attached to a bottle on a cart. A man who becomes fatigued easily. One who spends time counting pills and making sure the right ones are taken at the proper time.

No pity party, just stating the facts and realizing the unreality of me doing much of anything. Except refusing to be put down by the circumstances, and cheering along the sidelines.

Fighting the thing that was described in two words a long time ago by a German. The definition of it is -- A feeling of pessimism; an apathetic or vaguely yearning outlook on life. In English it translates into world+pain but I think it also has an element of hopeless weariness.

Weltschmerz . . . . . .

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