2001-07-31 - 23:06 MDT

THE WONDERING JEW

An Aging Man

I have read poetic expressions similar to, "Alone going into the cold dark of death, opposing it every step of the way." Or words to that effect.

As a young lad, my philosophy was, "Everybody will die, but not me." Of course with a little experience and thought my mind told me that even I, the mighty survivor would someday die, but far, far into the future, so the thought was pushed to the back of my mind.

As the years passed thoughts of death did not occupy my mind, except grieving for loved ones who passed on.

Having kids from small to large, I was offered the job of being a tech. rep. for my company in Viet Nam during the time of frequent conflict there. The salary offered was much above my monthly income at home and the company offered heavy insurance on me and mine.

First, I talked to Heather about the opportunity. That worked out, then came my period of deep reflection, facing my mortality and my families welfare, weighing the pros and cons. Making the decision I then "made my peace," with my higher power and accepted the position.

I returned in one piece, but peace with my higher power has stayed with me.

The things I fear but do not obsess about are Alzheimer's, being in a mindless, comatose vegatative state or having possession of all my mental faculties and being a helpless paraplegic. Any of those things could happen, but I pray they don't.

Making my peace has enabled me to go through severe illness - both mental and physical, culminating in our disastrous automobile accident on I-80 in Wyoming, which caused my broken neck. When I became aware finally, with my family around the bed, I wiggled my fingers and twitched my toes and spoke to all. It was up for grabs, my fate, but my will to survive helped me to heal, to go through a year of physical therapy and adapt to my limitations from that.

No big, macho hero here, just did what I could.

Realistically Heather and I have purchased plots in the cemetery, the opening and closing and the vaults for ourselves. Now we will embark on paying for our funerals. Trying to keep the kids from going through the things we have seen other surviving relatives go through.

Learning yet to accept and live with our limitations, we face the fact of my need to go on oxygen soon. We are working on finding out how much it will cost to rent a big tank in Eugene, Oregon at my daughters and also one in Sacramento where I intend for us to attend a wedding next July. A portable tank will suffice for a trip by air and having the ability to refill while there makes a trip possible.

Milady and I don't attempt road trips any more, last fall we went into the nearyby mountains to see Nature's panoply of hillside golden Aspen trees. And around this fourth of July we spent two nights in Breckenridge, Colorado (near Lake Dillon). So now the extended supply of oxygen will have to be arranged for. No biggy, we will get it done.

If we accidently are out in town during rush hour we try to route ourselves to going in the direction opposite to the flow of bumper to bumper slowly moving cars. Or choosing a route that is not heavily travelled because it is not a straight line to anywhere, jogging from one avenue to another. Traffic seems to slow down a bit after the fall out of bar closings and five AM before the morning rush begins. Otherwise is is rush hour all day. We do not go out in the snow unless it is absolutely necessary, and try to wait 'till the thundering herd has packed things down a bit and burned some of it away. Knowing that elderly reaction time is slower than that of younger people, we are very careful that we maintain a safe distance from the car ahead of us and essentially drive ahead of ourselves as far as we can see. We can when possible avoid night driving. We will still be going to family gatherings here around our town, weddings, graduations and funerals often leaving a while before we usually did.

We arrange our enjoyment to avoid contretemps. When we went to River Dance, Heather had scoped the place out and knew where our parking spaces were, she had bought seats in an area accessible to wheel chairs so that I could move a chair out, move in and sit down. Trying to negotiate a long row of side by side folding seats is difficult for us. We also try to arrange things to avoid standing in line if possible.

We have a lot of fun and enjoyment and do not do something that we know will overwhelm us with fatigue.

My good fortune of being given the opportunity of being a denizen of the web, surfing, reading journals, posting on forums opened a new world to me wherein distance just wasn't there. In cyber-world I visited art galleries, even The Louvre in Paris and many other points of interest. Icing on the cake has been my diary which enables me to think and meditate a bit. And the big thing is making friends as I ramble electronically.

We have learned to stay within our limits to the extent that adventure is available for his mate and An Aging Man . . . . .

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